How To Make Sense Of A Woman’s Mixed Signals

March 30, 2008

Womans Mixed SignalsWhen you’ve been on the hunt (meeting women) for awhile, you’ll notice a general rule of thumb: girls never say exactly what they’re thinking. Who knows why? Maybe their emotions get in the way. Maybe they’re just cowards who can’t stand the thought of actually being upfront with their thoughts. In any case, they’re rarely clear.

They either use word puzzles or they send strange signals that they expect you to somehow pick up. Either way, they can be as confusing as hell. But, if you want to be successful with women, it’s your job to cut your way through this jungle. So, get out your machete and let’s get to work.

From Out Of The Blue…

Have you ever been working on a girl where things looked promising only to have her flake on you or give you the cold shoulder? Talk about mixed signals, right? Most guys beat themselves up over it and spend valuable time thinking about it. But, you should do the opposite.

First, write that girl off. Don’t chase her like other guys do. It’s a waste of time. If you chase her and eventually land her, chances are she’ll be too high-maintenance to deal with. Besides, there are easier targets out there. Don’t make the hunt harder than it needs to be.

Here’s something else that’s interesting. When you stop chasing the flake and write her off, she’ll often come looking for you. High-maintenance flakes are usually starved for attention. If you don’t lavish it on them, they’ll often come begging for it.

Behind The Gentle Let-Down

Here’s something that always makes me chuckle. A girl tells a guy she “wants a little space” or “she needs to take some time off.” Just in case you don’t speak womanese, let me spell it out for you. She thinks you’re boring, you’re a putz and she’d rather swim in more exciting waters. That’s the Gentle Let-Down.

Yeah, she should come right out and say it. But, remember, girls have their own strange language. Also, some men (and I use that term loosely here) actually put the girl in the position of wanting to spare his feelings. How the hell did THAT happen?! What a tragedy.

First, learn to speak womanese. More importantly, learn how to sustain the spark and attraction that landed the girl in the first place. If she’s ready to move on and you’re not, you haven’t done your job very well.

Speaking The Language

Women are going to continue to send mixed signals to guys. They always have and they always will. You can try to train it out of them (good luck). Or, you can learn the language and when to use it to your advantage. Sometimes, success with girls means being upfront, clear and leaving nothing for them to question. Other times, you can use words to send your own signals and plant seeds in their heads. Try it. You may be surprised by the fruit it bears.


16 Responses to “How To Make Sense Of A Woman’s Mixed Signals”

  1. Mara S on April 12th, 2008 10:58 am

    …Obviously written by a guy.

    As a girl, ‘I need a little space’ translates as, ‘I have raging PMS and want to hide under my duvet with a hot pad and a pint of chocolate icecream to plot the demise of all mankind.’ If you come back in a week I’ll want sex.

    And don’t do the ‘send your own signals’ thing… it’s probrably what inspired the previously promising girl to flake off or give you the cold shoulder. The signal I would get would be ‘This guy is not interested enough in me to ask me why I’m giving him the cold shoulder. Therefore he is not interested in me as an individual at all. Just wants sex.’ I would write you off.

    If you think you are getting mixed signals, say so. Most girls respect and value honesty. It’s perfectly okay something like ‘I’m getting mixed signals here – I thought we had something going, and now you’re giving me the cold shoulder. Please tell me why?’

    The main reason girls give mixed signals is because a lot of guys are dishonest. They pretend they are interested in a girl, or that they want a relationship, when they are truly only after sex and bragging rights.

    No girl wants to be seen as ‘easy’, because that still means slut. A girl wants to know that a guy respects her, and likes her as an individual, not an interchangable sex-partner.

    Be straightforward. Don’t play games. Give sincere complements, and show the girl in your life that you value her for who she is. Be honest and open, and ask for the same in return.

  2. Mallory on April 12th, 2008 11:13 am

    Simple translation of what a woman means:

    ‘Does my butt look big in this?’ = ‘I’m feeling insecure because I’m not a size 0 with fake boobs like the models in that magazine you were reading. Just tell me you love me and you think I’m sexy.’

    ‘Is this dress/these pants too tight?’ = ‘I’ve put on weight. Do you still find me attractive?’ Correct response: is either, ‘No, you look great.’ or ‘That other dress/pair of trousers looks much better on you.’ Just pick something she wore recently.

    ‘Fine.’ said at the end of the argument. = ‘I still disagree with you, but I don’t want to argue anymore. And I’m upset now, because I hate when we’re mad at each other. Do you still love me?’ Correct response: Hug her and say: ‘Even when we fight, I’m totally in love with you.’ This may result in sex.

    ‘Do you love me?’ = ‘You don’t say “I love you” first, or often enough. Do you love me, or do you just want sex? I’m feeling vulnerable, like maybe I love you more than you love me, and I’m scared of getting hurt, or being used.’ Correct response if you don’t love her: ‘I really care about you, and I value our relationship, but I’m not in love with you.’ If you do love her: ‘I love you, even when I forget to say the words.’ And make sure you say them more often in future.

  3. Sam on April 14th, 2008 10:57 am

    Maybe the first question from either side should be ‘Why?’, followed by listening.

  4. Jay on April 21st, 2008 11:23 pm

    misogyny, anyone? Sheesh!

  5. ManofLiberty on July 15th, 2008 11:07 am

    For the guys… Don’t listen to the girl comments. Try it on for yourself like a coat, if it works and gets results, keep it. Otherwise, try something else.

    For the girls… No one (i.e. girls) likes to be told that doing this will cause that. We’re not stimulus-response machines (or are we)?

    No one can reason their way through attaction. Mixed signals serves as a filter, and men that can navigate it will have sucess.

  6. Nikola on July 17th, 2008 7:45 am

    My hubby and I argue about this all the time.
    Both genders speak in riddles because of different fears, rejection/honesty, you name it.
    What works is communicating in a mannner in which you can get across what you’re looking for…instead of saying “Do these pants make me look fat?” just say “I’m feeling a little bloated and hope these don’t look as tight as they feel.” There’s nothing wrong in admitting we’re not perfect (a lesson I’m still learning) but it lets the other person know where you’re at without expecting them to be able to read your mind.

  7. Patrick McMullen on September 4th, 2008 9:14 pm

    Hitting on a girl is just like a tennis game, you often win by not making mistakes rather than going aces after aces.

    Let the exchange last, dont make mistakes like putting your foot in your mouth. Stay cool, and not agressive. Just let her talk and listen. Wait until she gets in heat(it’s pretty obvious when she is).

  8. Mark Vantren on January 16th, 2009 9:59 pm

    How’s this for a mixed signal. She flirts with me big time. I flirt back. I ask her out she say she’s busy. K, I move along. More flirting. Then she sends me a msg “We should get together, give me a chance” I ask her out again…again she’s busy. Ok I say tell me when you’re not busy and we’ll get together.

    With me so far? More flirting, contacts me like crazy and finally says “ask me out”. I ask again…and guess what? That’s right she says no. Now more flirting. WTF!? Sorry I guess I misinterpreted everything.

  9. John on February 5th, 2009 1:22 am

    This to Mara or any woman who can give me a hint at what to do. I have been spending alot of time with this girl. we talk every day usually twice a day morning and evening for weeks we have had our intimate moments it was great . i wasnt pushy i gave her space, never called to much. all of a sudden she just vanished we havent talked for three days working on four. hello where did she go. I left her a message monday and no response what do i do. its not a big deal but when you talk and hang out all the time then nothing make me feel like something is up. help

  10. Chris on September 10th, 2009 6:09 am

    girlfriend just dumped me after 8 months, this whole last week everything was fine we drink together and i brought up old buried stuff, and got aggressive (which i have been doing quite a bit) whoops. Now she just wants time and space and sometimes seems to give me hope like were gonna be together again soon, and sometimes like she doesnt want to be with me at all. She still tells me she loves me and cares about me more then anything else, and that i am her best friend and doesnt want to lose that. But i dont wanna be just friends!

  11. R on October 22nd, 2009 12:39 pm

    Reading all of this made me sick and reminded me why Id rather be single. Women need to grow-up and be assertive. Say what you mean. Stop playing games. It’s annoying! Seems like they want attention, or there trying to not be used for sex. Here’s an idea if you don’t want to be used for sex don’t have sex just hang out. The games make me & everyother guy sick.

  12. Brandon on February 9th, 2010 1:16 pm

    i have a similar problem with a girl ive been talking to lately and a little quality advice could help. so here goes i have been knowing this girl for a few years now but never was to close to her. i hadnt seen her in about 2 years when i ran into her one night and we had pretty good conversation. we exchanged numbers that night and she called the next day. that was probably about three weeks ago. the first week we talked regularly throughout the day but i really didnt push it to much. I decided to take her to a NBA basketball game for a date being i could tell she liked sports. The game was about an hour from where i live so i got my brother and his girlfriend to come with us just to kinda help out with the awkward silence on the ride. but i did make sure to get tickets in seperate places so it wouldnt look like a friend thing. the date went great we went out to bourban st after and partyed a while. she was sending signals like crazy by the end of the night. so i kissed her goodnight when i dropped her off at her house and she actually came back in for a second and third kiss so i knew she wanted it. she called the next day and told me how much fun she had and all and wanted to hangout that weekend. well she invited me to hangout with her twice that weekend and blew me off both times. wierd huh… so the following week she was kinda short with me and backed off big time. but she text me every morning and when she gets off work but the rest of the day and night are kinda shady. this has been going on for about a week and half so i brought it up. basically saying look things were going pretty good and all of a sudden you backed off just kinda confused on what happend. her response was i know things were great and still are i just had to step back and think for a min i made mistakes in my last relationship i dont want to make again. but i do like hanging out with you and have alot of fun. so i told her im not trying to push any thing on her and i dont need to jump right into something right now either. i think i did the right thing here but heres my question i still dont call or text her first i always answer her not start the conversation and she still at least text me every morning i still go out do my own thing i havent hung out with her scince the date so do i just keep doing what im doing or should i do something diffrent? i dont really ignore her but i dont try to talk to her if i dont have to should i show more intrest or stay backed off of her?

  13. gothchiq on February 13th, 2010 9:47 pm

    Lemme tell you something. I do say exactly what I mean; that’ s how I roll. Guys say they want us to do this, but when we actually do it, boy do we end up taking shit from those same guys. they can’t deal.

    Not that it’s changed my approach one iota. All I had to do was find a man with enough security to hang without the candy coating. It took a while but was worth the winnowing process.

    Been together ten years.

  14. Dhadkan on February 14th, 2010 1:41 pm

    Agreed its difficult to fathom the thoughts of a woman when there is a mind game. But its foolhardy to write her off and go into a shell….you may ask her straight – didnt get you what you mean…or just shirk with some smart dumb answer which forces her to give you the answer ! Ofcourse you gotta play it according to the situation !

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  16. chaunc williams on May 20th, 2010 11:36 am

    Damn Patrick! That is the most profound advice I have ever heard in my lifetime. I wish I had gotten it 30+ years ago I would have never married, had kids, and be a happy 51 year old bachelor!

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